1. |
The Outcry Pt. 1
01:49
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I was the girl on a pedestal
Pirouette, satin doll.
Dancin’ ‘round church halls
I danced with Christian boys
We played our plastic toys
To cover up our inside woes
Fast forward to one night
I met a grown Christian boy
He gave me his plastic toy and asked
“Do you recognize the outcry?
Was I loved before I knew myself?
Loved before I knew?
I wanna cry, but all I have are words,
Will you listen?”
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2. |
This Little Running Hug
00:28
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This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!
This little light of maa, I'm gonna let it shaa!
This little light of maa, I'm gonna let it shaa!
This little laa, this little laa, let it shaaa!
Running hug, ready?
Running hug! Running hug!
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3. |
Whatever, Amen.
02:11
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If being a nun would make my family proud, I’d do it.
I’d join the convent, make nunnery friends, and men...forget 'em.
Inquired about religious life when I was 10
I walked along the open road with a priest I befriended...
But it’s no use tryin' to make sense of it all
I tuned out the pulpit cause the pastor phoned it in too much
The lines under my eyes show
A decade of beads, sorrowful mysteries every night
Past wrinkles in time
I was shamed for wanting to be known
I know I tamed my demons but the bastards still live in my throat
Oh...I played saving victim for a year or
two or fifteen more past wrinkles….
When “heaven” is a low-vibration thought
I forgot how to make a sign of the cross
But the truth is I pretended I didn’t believe at all
Whatever. Amen.
Whatever. Amen.
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4. |
Wash
04:09
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Oh, God I was robbed
You see it in my drawers
The way I play around
I'm losing ground by the hour
I wanna tell you...that I HATE YOU!
Does that wash over you?
Let's get down to the root.
I was bathed, polluted
Lies baptized the Truth
I was denied my right to love
It got twisted around
Now I carry all this shame
It just gets in the way
Does it surprise you? Now I hate me too!
Does that wash over you?
Let's get down to the root.
I was bathed, polluted
Lies baptized the Truth
Manipulators bend the truth
They dangle scripture in front of you
List facts coupled with nonsensical fallacies
Emotional boundaries cross
And now an allergy spreads
It turns into a virus
Into place that you thought were safe
Where you thought you had a friend
A confidant, a shoulder to lean on, a person to trust
And just like that
Double-crossed. Chaos.
They give you just enough to stick around
They say:
NOBODY UNDERSTANDS YOU
NOBODY LOVES YOU LIKE I DO
WHY ARE YOU ACCUSING ME?
I would never do that to you
And you think it's your fault
But it wasn't
Am I safe and sound now? Oh, God...I don't know.
Am I safe and sound now? Oh, God...I don't know.
Does that wash over you?
Let's get down to the root.
I was bathed, polluted
Lies baptized my truth
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5. |
The Outcry Pt. 2
01:00
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I took his plastic toy
I danced with the boy
We broke the rules
Climbed all the walls
Fell off my pedestal
Then I heard a cry
It was so loud inside
I feared we needed something more...
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6. |
Far Cry
02:46
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Do you bite the devil’s ear?
Taste and see
How does it feel to notice the blood dripping down
Try to wash my hands in a Macbethian nightmare
And now I’m in trouble
Far cry from heaven
I’m way out there
Way out there
I’m stuck with gods in my dome
Heading nowhere
Maybe I should explain myself
I’m a far cry from heaven
I’m way out there
Way out there
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7. |
The Outcry Pt. 3
00:46
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I took his plastic toy
I threw it back at the boy
Our hearts broke
We fell into a sick, cycle carousel.
Do we recognize the Outcry?
We were loved before we knew ourselves
Loved before we knew.
These inside times are more than words
Will you listen?
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8. |
Grief
03:30
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Grief is all the love that has no where to go
Breathing’s enough when you have no one to hold
Ten years of steps away from myself
And now, now I look like hell
I gave all my youth too much at once
I believed Elijah’s prophecy I was good for no one
My heart froze to stone decades ago
Hope of Love?
Equivocal
I hit the bottom rock at the top of the world
I had so many loves and lost them to the bottle
My ambition, at the curb
Now I've tried coffee and cried in therapy
Food?
Food tastes like feeling
I'm so insecure
Perfectly critical
And fear?
Fear's a fucking liar!
Sex is better when God’s in there
I don’t know Him
I don’t know Him
I don't know Him anymore
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9. |
Examen
03:15
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Where are you God?
What is there to be thankful for?
A priest just told me to “pray”
But why does it hurt?
I’ve tried so hard
To heal wounds from my past
But the dark keeps coming up inside
I’m not strong enough this time
Was I kind enough?
Was I wise enough?
Was I brave enough to say
“Forgive me Father, I wronged you?"
This makes no sense.
Why do I apologize for sins
When the man across the screen
Is a carbon copy of the one who hurt me?
When I woke up this Sunday, mourning
All I felt was my shame burning
I drove to the church
Where no one knows my name
They’re singing “Holy Spirit, you are welcome here”
But I didn’t walk in
I was so scared
So I walked to a park
Talked to the man who lived there
We took communion without any bread
And for the first time in a long time, I felt at home there
And I want to know where are you, God?
And do you love me?
Do you love me?
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10. |
Psalms for Inside Times
03:10
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Father, how could I let you do that to me?
I wonder if demons keep you up
When you try to sleep
Cause I’m here sufferin’
I’m here cryin’
I’m here thinkin’ about you
You said I was your favorite
I was special
I was touched by you
Father, you taught me everything I know
And now I wonder
What’s good to keep with me
And what’s good to throw
How to listen, how to lie,
How to lay down my life for Jesus Christ
How to sin, how to win
How to drink until I can’t feel my heartache again
I HATE YOU!
I’m repulsed by you
I still love you
I trusted your mouth but now
I deny you like Peter did Jesus...
“Forgive them for they know not what they do…”
I’m confined but I forgive you
Cause you gave me
Psalms for Inside Times.
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11. |
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I can’t let go, but I want to
I’m holding back, holding me back
I can’t let go, but I want to
I’m holding back, holding me back
I’m angry from injustice
I’m proud and I am afraid
Of failure and rejection
I’m trying to replace my pain
But I shame myself
I can’t let go, but I want to
I’m holding back, holding me back
I can’t let go, but I want to
I’m holding back, holding me back
Oh, I judge
I complain
Yeah, I criticize and I place the blame
On you and on me
When I can’t be free to see thankfully
I paralyze what could be
I can’t let go, but I want to
I’m holding back, holding me back
I can’t let go
I want to
I’m holding back, holding me back
Won’t you release me
I wanna receive
I wanna receive you completely
How can I love you
Love you completely?
I learned fear rules in the fool proud to punish you
That is not the Outcry
These plastic toys are not the Outcry
Do we recognize the Outcry?
We were loved before we knew ourselves.
Loved before we knew
These inside times are more than words
Will you listen?
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Kateri Los Angeles, California
The album from the one-woman musical, "Psalms for Inside Times" & lyric book is out now!
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